today i ran into my ex boyfriend  whom i have not seen in 10 years. we were such children back then and it’s almost like meeting again as strangers. i was just in so much shock and could not believe we were standing there. 

it’s interesting because when we were younger, we barely had full personalities, any experience and practically didn’t know anything. but i still love the genuine and pure feelings we had towards one another, liking this boy or girl for no reason at all and just feeling so heartbroken about it and obviously being overly dramatic. but at least it seemed so much more real. nowadays everyone we meet at our age is all about how much money they make or if they’d be a good wife or husband and what they do for a living, etc etc. causing us to pre judge and sum them all up in a matter of seconds before ever really getting to know them or just eliminating almost all chance of ever liking them or being drawn to them just for the plain fact that you are. 

looking back at my relationship with this ex, we were so young and had no idea what was real except for our feelings or so we thought. it got me thinking all day what if this and that and who knows but i guess everything happens for a reason. i mean how well do we really know people of our past unless we keep in touch with them consistently? 

In the last week, I worked on a film for two days called, “Are We Officially Dating?” There were many interns as well as production assistants there and therefore, everyone was grouped together and for the most part it was assumed that it was everyone’s first film. Tonight was the wrap party and I was reminded of all the ugly things about the industry that I hate, like I am at every award show. That loneliness you feel after being around so many people…It seems that everyone there is either a star, wants to be a star or wants to fuck a star. As much as anyone might deny it, they fit in at least one of those categories. Being that I only spent two days on the film, I barely knew anyone and was treated like it was my first film with every conversation beginning and ending with “this is all for you to learn and will be a great experience when looking back blah blah blah” 

The thing that bugs me is how much of an identity I feel like I don’t have. The actors, producers, etc already meet everyone with their titles that empower them and whether you want a job or not, because they have the ability to give you one, it is assumed that you would probably do almost anything for them. I don’t care who or what you are, I just wish you’d meet me as me. But I guess this is just the territory that comes with the industry. Typical for us to ask you about you so you could tell us more about your accomplishments without ever inquiring what our goals are or where we’re from because it’s all about you. You’re even doing us a favor by taking your time us to talk about yourself because we should be so grateful as to have these precious moments with you. 

Work and love are such a big part of my life as it is for everyone else and I can’t seem to just figure out how to feel like less of a nobody in all of it. In such bubbles of bullshit and facades it’s so hard to differentiate between what and who is real and everyone just kind of loses sight and along with that their identities go with it. The solution would probably be to pick a different industry but I’m clearly not going to do that since I like to torture myself with the mental instability and drive myself insane. 

I’m just rambling on here but I thought I’d share. I just wish there was someone out there that I liked and liked me enough to want to hold my hand, even if it was just for a second. I know it sounds irrelevant but I actually think both work and love come hand in hand, at least for me. 

EDIT: Oh and nothing beats someone sort of complimenting me with “Oh you’re actually pretty, I never noticed.” Thanks .. I think. 

here i am home early from work.. yes this is early letting social media take over my life. and well here goes my rant.

why is it that every guy that i am interested in or even just curious about married or has a girlfriend? why can’t i ever be the girlfriend of a guy i am interested in or like? it just seems so hard and when i look at each guy that i fancy’s relationship, it just seems so simple and full of love or what it seems like at least. i know, there’s no point in going about life with jealousy but i’m just so impatient. 

i figure if i make good friends of these people, i can just get over it easier but that’s probably not the right approach. it’s like i just pick out the worst situations and decide that it’s a good idea to jump right into them. i just want to love someone more than i love food. i just want someone to love me the way i love them. but i guess i’m really afraid too. 

i’m trying to find a photo to make this post more interesting but i guess that’s not working out too great so this’ll just have to be words.